My sheets look like a crime scene.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Is Oprah even human
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
