He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
