we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
