You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
