Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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