i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
