I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Drunk is not a location!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
