i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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