You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
