You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
