Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
