my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
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Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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