Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
