I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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