Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
