Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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