How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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