he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
