Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
