The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
