You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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