I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
