do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
