she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
