I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
