Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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