my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
