She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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