So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
