I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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