last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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