Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm both gender and math confused
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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