I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
