That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
