I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
