happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I wear drunk well.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
