It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
