Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
