I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
