I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
