I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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