I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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