i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
