maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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