No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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