Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
