Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
