Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
