my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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