so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
