ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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