3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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