I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
