walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
