someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Welp...herpes.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
