if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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