Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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