it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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