The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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