You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
